I’ve got a Headache…


There are days, when it’s obvious I am avoiding something I should be writing.

I’ll even blank out what was next on my writing To Do List. I guarantee that it’s usually a sex scene. Why are these so difficult?

Last year, I took a class from Mary Buckham and finally got the hang of it. But, it still feels strange. Does reality come close to writing sex scenes? Does the media play a role beyond actual sex?

I am reminded of a phone conversation with my mother. We were both widows, I was 33 and she was 52. I was trying to convince her to socialize, to date.

A man had flirted with her in the grocery store and she ran away. She was pathologically nervous. I could relate. My husband had been ill with a brain tumor for seven years; so, I was as equally nervous but that conversation with my mother helped me realize, it would all be okay! –maybe or it won’t, but it doesn’t matter.

“I’m not even sure I’d know what to do…” she said, giggling. “I’ve only ever been with your Dad.”

“Ma! I’m sure it’s like riding a bike.” I said, praying for the conversation to end… where is call waiting when you need it?

“Oh, no!” Mom said, bursting into tears.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. Then thinking, what the hell am I getting into? When is my next appt with my therapist?

“I tried to ride a bike last week and I fell.” Mom said crying. “I got hurt! I sprained my wrist and scraped my elbow.”

“It was a metaphor, Ma!” I said laughing, “I think this is a topic better suited for someone who is not your daughter! –a daughter, who is now forever emotionally scarred.”

I was kidding but it did make her laugh. We also never discussed it again, so I will never know if Mom ever got on the bike again… and I don’t need to know.

I don’t know why elderly women seek me out to ask these odd, personal questions. A few years back, another elderly woman asked me if I thought her ‘female parts’ still worked… she had recently started ‘stepping out’ with a gentleman friend. I was seriously confused as to which working parts she was referring. She was 99 years old.

So, as I sit down to write a sex scene I am waylaid (snicker) by an odd thought, what exactly would my mother, grandmother or neighborhood centenarian want or need to read? (And why ask me?) What does anyone need to read in a sex scene?

Online, I was firmly put in my place, when I was told heroines are all in their 20′s and widows are okay in their late 30′s but all women over 50 are evil mother-in-laws or other boss-from-hell protagonists. It’s no wonder these older women are so confused by sex. They have no role models.

Also, I am confused about why we are letting young women think older women are evil… for me they were and are valued mentors!

So, like any other confused, red-blooded woman, I cruised the Internet and even took a peek behind some red curtains. I saw a famous, er infamous heiress having sex and wondered if acting/looking bored was normal during sex? I saw women treated no differently than a blow up sex doll would be treated. I saw men enjoying themselves as they convinced women to endure pain. I saw some horrifying ads for obese and granny sex… nothing tuned me on and my libido was squashed.

And yet, the latest news says women viewing porn is a rising trend. I can only wonder if women vicariously need to watch women degraded, humiliated and being hurt is the real rising trend.

I went on iTunes and purchased the #1 sexiest movie I could think of: The Big Easy and watched it again. It wasn’t as sexy as I remembered. It was the innocent, clumsy girl, which my mother identified; whom is seduced by the bad boy hero. Against all odds, the HEA ending, although is mother is left destroyed. Message? She should have been knitting instead of having sex anyway! ROFL

I soon realized that heat, sizzle and sexy works much better on the written page. So, here I am back at writing that sex scene… I tried to put it off by writing a bog post about avoiding writing it… the lesson:

It’s not the size of the pen but what you write with it…

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